Making My Own Advice

I have a theory that as soon as a couple gets engaged, a ripple vibrates the fabric of the universe. Like a whistle only dogs can hear, it alerts florists, caterers, bridal shops and Martha Stewart. Then hits the deluge of information. Macy’s Bridal Registry finds out where you live. TheKnot.com stalks you with invitations to every bridal expo in the greater metro area. Facebook ads chide you for the wedding diet you swear you’ll start on Monday. You are inundated with must-haves and conflicting reports of The-One-Most-Important-Place-to-Invest-or-Your-Day-Is-Ruined.

When I said yes, I had no idea what I was getting in to. I knew there would be stress. I knew there would be cost. I even knew there would be fights. I did not know that rather than saying congratulations, most people ask what my colors are. I had no idea that weddings require a theme. (Surely I learned my lesson on theme after the senior prom debacle?) I am intimidated by other brides-to-be and how they gracefully glide along that fine line between the latest trend and classic tradition. I think they burst forth from the womb with a complete working knowledge of the rules of etiquette and a library of color-coded spreadsheets, all organized in a coordinating Kate Spade bag.

I want a beautiful day as much as the next bride. I want to be the undisputed prettiest girl in the room while pledging myself to my soul mate. But I do not have a trust fund, nor the wherewithal to craft my own centerpieces. Magazines assume that you can either afford everything or make anything, both without breakouts or binge drinking. Clearly they haven’t met me.
I have read the guides and the tips and almost none of them are applicable to my life. And so I give you my own. These are tips from the trenches—not from a bridal expert but a comrade in arms unwilling to stress eat for the duration of planning. Hopefully writing them down will help me remember them myself.

#1. What You Didn’t Care About Before You Were Engaged, You Won’t Care About After You Are Married
Choose the three things (other than the groom) that you are absolutely passionate about. Flowers? Location? Guest list? What will make or break your wedding? With so many vendors and relatives telling you new things you’ll regret, it becomes easy to believe you must have all of it. However, armed with your list of three you can keep perspective of what’s truly important and remember that it is your mom, not you, who just has to have the prime rib and your father-in-law who thinks it is madness not to have a brass quartet.

#2. Let Others Do the Work for You
No matter your age, I’m willing to bet you know someone who has recently planned a wedding. Why meet with 10,000 photographers when your cousin was very happy with hers? Rather than chasing down your friends for addresses, ask a recent bride for her invitation spreadsheet. Read the registry list of friends whose taste you like and steal liberally. Obviously you can’t avoid all research, but you can substantially limit the field and save yourself a headache.

#3. Manage Expectations of Yourself
One day, you will become That Girl. Accept it. Regardless how calm you swore you’d be, you will become the person who prays that people ask you about plans. Every morning you will check your registry before your e-mail. All conversation will dovetail nicely into a decision you just made about flowers. Don’t beat yourself up. It is inevitable. However, for your sanity and that of those around you, establish No Wedding Zones. Stop all wedding thought two hours before bed. No planning during meals. Ask your friends questions about their lives, then pay attention to the answer. Take a class. Volunteer. Distract yourself. Your friends will thank you for it.

#4 Listen to Everyone, Then Ignore Them
Everyone has at least one good idea. My mom has a many good ideas. People will not be shy about sharing these good ideas with you, and examples of just-the-cutest-thing-I-saw-a-bride-do-at-a-wedding-once. By all means listen to them. Process them. Consider them. Then forget about them. Repeat after me: Just because the girl in my office hand-crafted ice swans does not mean I have to. With every well-meaning friend tossing in their two cents, insecurities will bubble to the surface. It becomes all-too easy to assume that if one person rented a brass quartet, you have to as well. It is imperative at this point to put blinders on and remember your style. Revisit tip #1. Trust that who you both are will shine through the day. While the advice of others is valuable, know where to draw the line.

#5 Remember Why You Are Doing This
Remember that you get to spend the rest of your life with the person you love most in the world. You can commit to each other with all of your loved ones, quite literally, standing behind you. And finally, you are able to throw a celebration thanking all of the people who have nurtured you along the way. And isn’t that a lovely thing?

Relax. Pack a flask. You’ll do just fine.